Prioritizing Allah in Our Grief: The Etiquette of Complaining ( Abdullah Cheng)
Dear brothers and sisters,
Allah has designed our life to be in a state of constant fluctuation. There are times when we live in comfort, and there are times when we face hardships. This is the Sunnah of Allah that existed from the beginning of mankind. Allah says in the Qur’an in the context of the battles of Badr and Uhud:
إِن يَمْسَسْكُمْ قَرْحٌۭ فَقَدْ مَسَّ ٱلْقَوْمَ قَرْحٌۭ مِّثْلُهُۥ ۚ وَتِلْكَ ٱلْأَيَّامُ نُدَاوِلُهَا بَيْنَ ٱلنَّاسِ
If you have suffered injuries, there has already been similar suffering to the opposing people. We alternate these days (of ups and downs) among people … [3:140]
So it is part of the human nature to feel a sense of grief and distress after experiencing a contrast from a positive state to a negative state of mind. And what we tend to do is to release that negativity through complaining. To express the pain we have gone through, and hoping to make ourselves feel better.
Even though it does make ourselves feel better, there is a nuance on how it should be done, to who is it being done, and why is it being done. According to the great scholars of the early generations, when a person complains not to Allah but to another person, then by default it is considered as Makruh, which is disliked. It is not inherently sinful to complain to someone else, but it is also not befitting for a Muslim to complain to another human being. It is not an action that should be promoted or encouraged.
Especially in today’s context, many of us would choose to share what has happened to us personally on social media to get the pity of people. And essentially what that means is that we are begging for mercy and sympathy and compassion from people and seeking validation from them. Even though it is not sinful, it exposes our weakness and makes ourselves less dignified.
If the complain involves lying, blaming against Allah’s decision or challenging His wisdom, then this may even lead to Kufr or disbelief, and in that case it would not be permissible. But if the complain involves explaining and informing others about the situation in order to seek advice and justice without begging for compassion and pity, then it is permitted, and the Prophet ﷺ has also demonstrated that multiple times during his lifetime.
For example, before the Prophet ﷺ was passing away, he described to his wife Aisha (RA) about his pain, and he said: “I still feel the pain caused by the food I ate at Khaibar”, which refers to the poisoned meat that was given by a Jewish woman in Khaibar. He wasn’t mentioning the pain as a complain so that he could receive some pity and comfort, but rather he is factually describing where the pain is coming from.
Even in one of the lowest points of his life after being expelled from the city of Ta’if, he took refuge in a garden and made Du’a to Allah and complained to Allah instead of complaining to the people who were close to him:
اللَّهُمَّ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُو ضَعْفَ قُوَّتِي، وَقِلَّةَ حِيلَتِي، وَهَوَانِي عَلَى النَّاسِ، يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ، أَنْتَ رَبُّ الْمُسْتَضْعَفِينَ وَأَنْتَ رَبِّي
O Allah my Lord, I complain of my weakness to You, I complain to You the lack of support and the humiliation I have received. O the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful! You are the Lord of the weak, and you are my Lord.
This was the attitude shown by the Prophet ﷺ when he was at the lowest point of his life. Rather than complaining to another creation of Allah, or even complaining about why Allah had to make him suffer like this even though he is a Prophet of God, he remained humble and demonstrated the humility as a servant of Allah, complaining about his weakness only to Allah.
This is a quality that is shared among the Prophets. In the Qur’an, we also know from the example of Ya’qoob (AS) where he said:
إِنَّمَآ أَشْكُوا۟ بَثِّى وَحُزْنِىٓ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ
I complain of my suffering and sorrow only to Allah [12:86]
Because no one else can truly understand the situation he was in and the pain he was going through other than Allah Himself.
This is a standard that all of us should strive for. However we also need to realize that this is the highest level of patience for humans that only the Prophets can reach to, even the Sahabah are not able to completely avoid complaining to others in order to receive some kind of compassion and pity. Therefore if we cannot avoid complaining to others, then we should at least try to follow these guidelines:
Minimize the complaint. Stick to the facts as much as possible without revealing too much details, and don’t turn it into a habit of constantly complaining.
If we really need to complain, complain only to those who are closest to us, such as our family members or the people who can actually help us, instead of publicizing the issue, unless it involves public welfare
Revive the Sunnah of complaining to Allah about our weakness of not being able to handle the distress. If we are going to complain to others, at least complain to Allah first before we start complaining to others.
Lastly, we also need to understand that hearing someone else’s complaint doesn’t necessarily mean that they are not being patient enough. Rather than only giving them the advice of staying patient, we need to have more compassion and empathy to try to understand what people may be going through.
May Allah make us among those who remain patient when we are faced with hardships and calamities, may Allah grant our hearts contentment with His decree and remove the bitterness of complaint from our tongues, may Allah purify our intentions and allow us to find comfort while remembering Him.
Allah has designed our life to be in a state of constant fluctuation. There are times when we live in comfort, and there are times when we face hardships. This is the Sunnah of Allah that existed from the beginning of mankind. Allah says in the Qur’an in the context of the battles of Badr and Uhud:
إِن يَمْسَسْكُمْ قَرْحٌۭ فَقَدْ مَسَّ ٱلْقَوْمَ قَرْحٌۭ مِّثْلُهُۥ ۚ وَتِلْكَ ٱلْأَيَّامُ نُدَاوِلُهَا بَيْنَ ٱلنَّاسِ
If you have suffered injuries, there has already been similar suffering to the opposing people. We alternate these days (of ups and downs) among people … [3:140]
So it is part of the human nature to feel a sense of grief and distress after experiencing a contrast from a positive state to a negative state of mind. And what we tend to do is to release that negativity through complaining. To express the pain we have gone through, and hoping to make ourselves feel better.
Even though it does make ourselves feel better, there is a nuance on how it should be done, to who is it being done, and why is it being done. According to the great scholars of the early generations, when a person complains not to Allah but to another person, then by default it is considered as Makruh, which is disliked. It is not inherently sinful to complain to someone else, but it is also not befitting for a Muslim to complain to another human being. It is not an action that should be promoted or encouraged.
Especially in today’s context, many of us would choose to share what has happened to us personally on social media to get the pity of people. And essentially what that means is that we are begging for mercy and sympathy and compassion from people and seeking validation from them. Even though it is not sinful, it exposes our weakness and makes ourselves less dignified.
If the complain involves lying, blaming against Allah’s decision or challenging His wisdom, then this may even lead to Kufr or disbelief, and in that case it would not be permissible. But if the complain involves explaining and informing others about the situation in order to seek advice and justice without begging for compassion and pity, then it is permitted, and the Prophet ﷺ has also demonstrated that multiple times during his lifetime.
For example, before the Prophet ﷺ was passing away, he described to his wife Aisha (RA) about his pain, and he said: “I still feel the pain caused by the food I ate at Khaibar”, which refers to the poisoned meat that was given by a Jewish woman in Khaibar. He wasn’t mentioning the pain as a complain so that he could receive some pity and comfort, but rather he is factually describing where the pain is coming from.
Even in one of the lowest points of his life after being expelled from the city of Ta’if, he took refuge in a garden and made Du’a to Allah and complained to Allah instead of complaining to the people who were close to him:
اللَّهُمَّ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُو ضَعْفَ قُوَّتِي، وَقِلَّةَ حِيلَتِي، وَهَوَانِي عَلَى النَّاسِ، يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ، أَنْتَ رَبُّ الْمُسْتَضْعَفِينَ وَأَنْتَ رَبِّي
O Allah my Lord, I complain of my weakness to You, I complain to You the lack of support and the humiliation I have received. O the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful! You are the Lord of the weak, and you are my Lord.
This was the attitude shown by the Prophet ﷺ when he was at the lowest point of his life. Rather than complaining to another creation of Allah, or even complaining about why Allah had to make him suffer like this even though he is a Prophet of God, he remained humble and demonstrated the humility as a servant of Allah, complaining about his weakness only to Allah.
This is a quality that is shared among the Prophets. In the Qur’an, we also know from the example of Ya’qoob (AS) where he said:
إِنَّمَآ أَشْكُوا۟ بَثِّى وَحُزْنِىٓ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ
I complain of my suffering and sorrow only to Allah [12:86]
Because no one else can truly understand the situation he was in and the pain he was going through other than Allah Himself.
This is a standard that all of us should strive for. However we also need to realize that this is the highest level of patience for humans that only the Prophets can reach to, even the Sahabah are not able to completely avoid complaining to others in order to receive some kind of compassion and pity. Therefore if we cannot avoid complaining to others, then we should at least try to follow these guidelines:
Minimize the complaint. Stick to the facts as much as possible without revealing too much details, and don’t turn it into a habit of constantly complaining.
If we really need to complain, complain only to those who are closest to us, such as our family members or the people who can actually help us, instead of publicizing the issue, unless it involves public welfare
Revive the Sunnah of complaining to Allah about our weakness of not being able to handle the distress. If we are going to complain to others, at least complain to Allah first before we start complaining to others.
Lastly, we also need to understand that hearing someone else’s complaint doesn’t necessarily mean that they are not being patient enough. Rather than only giving them the advice of staying patient, we need to have more compassion and empathy to try to understand what people may be going through.
May Allah make us among those who remain patient when we are faced with hardships and calamities, may Allah grant our hearts contentment with His decree and remove the bitterness of complaint from our tongues, may Allah purify our intentions and allow us to find comfort while remembering Him.